It’s funny the things your mind remembers, it’s not the things you would think, it’s like sometimes it’s the minor characters and not the main parts that everyone thinks you’re focused on. It’s as if you saw Hamlet and all you could remember was this guy Rosencrantz who was on stage for two seconds, or when you thought of Pulp Fiction you just saw Bruce Willis’ girlfriend and the way she wrapped her arm around his waist on the motorcycle and none of that other stuff.
Like, you would think I would remember when we met with the doctor, and her diagnosis, her talking to us about cancer clinics in Minnesota, the dawning feeling that whatever future had lain in wait for us in our heads was being washed away like a horseshoe crab shell in the rolling waves of high tide, or something monumental like that. But really when I think about that day it’s the warm air outside that day in March, how we sat on the bench across from the doctor’s office and as I held you I noticed this guy on the grass next to us, spread out on his blanket, his ear buds in his ears, enjoying this first spring day that everyone except us was so happy about. And I remember noticing he was really toned, and his butt in particular was really muscular, and it was the kind of thing I would normally have said something to you about, but instead I remember thinking, I wonder how many more springs we have together, and I just buried my head in your hair and gripped you tighter.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t think about the big stuff, sitting with you in the hospital at the end, or back before that, our wedding and the way your Dad shook my hand when we told him we were getting married, that morning we woke up in bed with your two cousins, all of us lying the short way across our little bed, wearing what we had on the night before and just laughing for an hour before I got up and made us all eggs. It’s just that somehow these little moments are the ones that come back to me the most.
Maybe it’s because I keep coming here, to this Vietnamese restaurant on the corner of Dekalb ave down the street from us, and sitting here in the window like we used to. Which I probably shouldn’t do I guess, I should be moving on, making a new life without you, accepting fate, that’s what my therapist would say. Actually no, he wouldn’t, he would say grief is healthy and everyone processes it differently. But sometimes I wonder if I should avoid this place, if I’m just baking in my memories of you, or us, and my own life won’t grow as much because of it. But the bowls of Pho here are just too good!
Which is the kind of thing that would make you laugh if I said that to you. It’s the kind of thing you would say to me, some dark joke that probably everyone but me would be offended by, as we both sat in the window here and sipped the hot broth and noodles and slurped our tripe, looking out at the sidewalk and all the people walking by. So I still come here, torturing myself I guess, or just trying to soak up some of you that’s still here, like the noodles and mint leaves soak up the broth in our bowls.
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I was stuck for a while with this half-finished song, the lyrics weren't happening because it wasn't about anything, so I just wrote a little story or character, and I got unstuck. Funny how that works.
And there's a radio playing
a song you used to know
It goes fast and then slow
Well it's all been upside down
since the life we led before
sitting here by the window
Oh, when you were with me
we sat with bowls so warm
steam caressed your face
like I used to do
makes me think of another place
you buried in my arms
sitting here by the window
If I close my eyes
I can feel you sitting here
if i close my eyes
I can see you looking here
if I close my eyes
I can see you laughing, just like...
@kahlo2013 Mar 2022
Cool buzzy synth riff and beat. Love the intimacy of the images of the lyric and the vulnerability if the image sitting by the window. Very effective break down for that bridge section. Very cool song.
@stephenwordsmith Mar 2022
I came for the genre tag and stayed for the song. A new and very interesting listening experience; I hadn't envisaged synths being ideal for dealing with the themes and moods here - how can one express their most authentic feelings with an instrument so contrived by its nature - but you've absolutely made it work. Everyone grieves and processes differently, and expresses themselves in a unique personal way, and this song is no exception. I enjoyed the lyrics but the liner notes enriched the experience.
There's a real sense of melancholy, of missing someone, of loss and longing, of having moments where there's nothing to do or say, and you simply find yourself stuck in them.
#tit4tat
@sync Feb 2022
Really digging the retro analog synths in this! As always great writing - story and lyrics. The details are so real, really develops the characters in a natural way. Thanks for sharing this compositional method. While I kinda stumbled on something similar this fawm, mine was more just trying to connect one song to the next as an after thought. But I really like the idea of a back story bringing the songs more to life even if nobody knows about it but me. I feel like they have a life of their own anyway and this seems like a service to them.
@standup Feb 2022
The story is just as good as the song. You can really feel the weight and the nostalgia, the memories. This is actually rather powerful.
@thedutchwidows Feb 2022
I really enjoyed the music and the scene setting story, but it just made me sad. I guess that was probably the aim (not me specifically, or I'd hope not, that would be a very specific level of vindictiveness, but more generally). It's such a very relatable and empathetic story. The song totally fits the mood of the story, and is really nicely done. It's just sad, though.