I've been having the hardest time finishing off a second song for FAWM. Literally everything was distracting me, and the idea tank seemed to be dry. My only chance was picking up something that I'd started writing before February, but hadn't finished. My two best bets were a song called "Devil's Advocate" (which I still hope to finish before the 28th), and this one. It took over a week to finish a set of lyrics that I'm close to happy with.
I always heard this song in my head as having acoustic guitar on it. However, not being able to make that happen at the moment, I used Online Sequencer to simulate a guitar track, and I'm actually pretty happy with how that came out. What I'm not super-thrilled with is my vocals (which, like with my last upload, had to be recorded with my phone). I didn't anticipate how much trouble I'd have singing at this tempo-- I'm not a pro, I don't have all that breath control and whatnot.
Anyway, this song doesn't need a lot of explanation. I wanted to write something about the nasty ways in which early-life emotional trauma can affect the adult that you become. After I uploaded this to SoundCloud, someone there expressed concern for my well-being. I'm OK! I've lived with depression for a long time, and I expect to live with it for a lot longer lol.
When I do re-record the vocals for this, I think I'm going to change the "50 years of pain" line to "40 years"-- not to try to give people the impression that I'm younger than I am, but mostly because I'm pretty sure my depression took some time to develop and that I didn't just pop out of the womb, look around and say "F*** my life".
Sometimes when I think about the person that I am
I just can't figure out why anyone still gives a damn
It's so easy to find the things that I would like to change
The good parts are all buried under 50 years of pain
And excavating memories can be a daunting task
It's hard to answer questions that you can't even ask
When your past is a minefield just waiting to explode
The future can feel like a dark, forbidding road
In spite of all the bitterness and hurt that I have felt
I have tried to do my best with all the cards that I was dealt
And keep fighting the enemy that comes from within
And be thankful for the battles that I've managed to win
And even though I know I've fallen short in many ways
I must learn how to accept myself, and hope for better days
Because I'm not doing myself any favors, I'm afraid
By wallowing in all the past mistakes that I have made
I'm just keeping myself locked up in a prison that I've built
Out of excavated memories and survivor's guilt
@berni1954 Mar 2022
"When your past is a minefield just waiting to explode
The future can feel like a dark, forbidding road"
As a child I was the victim of savage bullying. It took me years to get over that, so I can identify with this song easily. APPLAUSE
@nancycunning Mar 2022
These lyrics are really good and I thought you did a great job with the singing. The super fast rhythm felt like it caught that breathless spun up quality of anxiety. I found myself thinking that this would be a great set of lyrics to have ten musicians interpret in their own way, some frenetic some lethargic some rock opera-y and so on. If their isn’t already a FAWM challenge like that maybe we can suggest one next year. I like the way you managed to take some of your experience of pain and turn it into art.
@gm7 Mar 2022
Great arpeggios guitar BT. this is great line:
"I'm just keeping myself locked up in a prison that I've built" . Very poignant. Well done .
@liz561 Mar 2022
Really like the feel of the guitar-makes me think of water. Works really well with the organ(?) coming in. I loved the way everything built and the harmonies at the end. Nice job!
@pippa Mar 2022
Poignant words. Well spoken.
@nadine Mar 2022
Even if it hurts, it's good that people reach out and ask if everything's okay. This means, that (a) your song touched them on a very deep level and (b) that (at least some) people care. Listening to your song I really FEEL the words you sing. And I think that not everybody is able to transport these emotions. The lyrics are very good.
@roddy Mar 2022
This is really touching. I found this very moving. The performance is excellent, guitar, vocal and harmonies. The lyrics are very special.
@timfatchen Mar 2022
The song as a song works fine, you can improve the production/proper backing later. The lyrics are seriously good and in comes across with determination but no false hopes, especially the last two stanzas. Happy endings are myths from Disney musicals: this is real. Well done!
@audrey Mar 2022
Oh, this is sooo nice! It reminds me of the Weakerthans. (I love their stuff, especially "One Great City".) Your lyrics here are special. They touch a nerve I'm sure many of us have. This is a very moving song. I had to listen twice. It's really beautiful!
@elesimo Mar 2022
This is really beautiful, I love songs like this were you feel connected to the singer for how they sing honestly from the heart. This is really, really beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
@vomvorton Feb 2022
Very thoughtful lyric and the music really carries that note of hope that bubbles under the honesty and pain. The arpeggio carrying the rhythm of the song works really well - and a lovely moment when the harmony comes in later on. Re: the SoundCloud thing, I'm mostly surprised you got a comment that isn't "click our profile for free exposure!!!! this is totally a scam!!!!! at all!!!!!!!!"