God, what am I doing here? I shouldn’t have come. Am I crazy? Mom thinks I’m crazy. Or just stupid. Well, maybe she doesn’t think I’m stupid. But crazy, and wrong. For thinking I could connect with my Dad who’s not my Dad. I mean, I’m sorry, you don’t get to be a father just by sticking your dick in someone and bailing. And, now I’m thinking of my Mom having sex, ew.
Maybe I shouldn’t have come. What a weird place to meet an absentee father, right? A food court. In Oklahoma fucking city, or whatever strip mall this is. Just thank God they have wine at this one. I feel like I’m in a weird airport waiting for the weirdest trip I’ve ever taken. Which I suppose this is, exactly.
Oh God, is that him? That must be him, he said tan jacket, he didn’t say old though, he looks old. I sort of, recognize him, ugh, this is so weird. If I run straight past the John Silver’s there’s an exit by the rest rooms, I think, I could probably make it, I could ignore his calls, if he calls. OK, he sees me, here he is, maybe this won’t be so bad. Do we hug? I don’t know if we should hug. Good, he just shakes my hand. He’s drinking tea and I’m drinking wine, I guess I don’t care what he thinks so that’s fine.
This isn’t so bad I guess, but still it’s…weird. Like it’s something I want to be familiar but it’s just not. He seems nervous too. I guess that’s sweet. Bu now we’re sort of…trying to find things to talk about. I guess I didn’t expect this, but maybe I should have? We don’t know each other, after all, I don’t remember him at all, he only saw me as a baby. I should ask him about me as a baby. Was I cute? Mom says I was cute. But all babies are cute. I should ask him about Mom. No, I should definitely not ask him about Mom.
So, OJ. OK, I guess this is what everyone is talking about anyway. It’s like I’m meeting an old man who used to know my Aunt Linda and we’re being polite. I guess I wanted more, but what did I expect really? Maybe this is what Mom meant when she said she worried about me doing this, that I was expecting a moment, catharsis, release, understanding? That’s what my therapist would say anyway. And instead I just get…conversation, with an old man who I don’t know. But when I have kids don’t I want to be able to say anything to them when they ask about Grandpa? Which, it already seems like I’m talking to a Grandpa. I just wish I could ask why, why was it ok to just leave like that? Did you ever wonder about me? This daughter you left behind? Or was I not even in the picture of your life in your head? Yes, you should ask that. Right now? Except, I can’t. He seems nice. I just….don’t know him well enough to ask something like that. Something personal. Yeah I know, I’m personal, but, I just…can’t.
So, this is it, I guess. We’re standing up. He hugs me. His jacket smells like a closet. Now he’s saying to keep in touch, he enjoyed meeting me. Did he? Did I? I guess it’s something to check off the list. One, Disneyland, two, meet father who left when I was one and never cared about what he left behind. Great, done.
Thank God they have wine here. I think I need another though, somewhere else. He’s walking away. He’s singing, to himself? To me? It’s that song…I can’t remember the name. I know it, though.
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So last night I did a skirmish, and I really enjoyed it, so today I gave myself a self-skirmish....I gave myself 2 hours, one for the song and one for the story. This concept is from my extensive 'back catalog' of weird things I remember from my life...in this case, a girl i was dating long ago, she had never met her father, he left when she was a baby, and she met him as an adult, only once, in Oklahoma City, they sat and talked about OJ Simpson because that was what was going on at the time and she said they sat there with not much to say to each other because he hadn't been in her life at all. Which is incredibly sad and all that, and it got filed away up there in the cranium only to emerge as I was singing the do do doo melodies to this guitar part, which also just emerged this morning in the kitchen. So the song here is his imagined perspective, and the story is hers.
And in the end, we sat there alone
the food court a swirl and inside I'm so empty
feeling the life that I've lived was pretend
I tried to rewrite the end
This beautiful girl, you sat there all grown
like someone I always had known but I know that the only thing you know of me was I'd gone.
And what made you choose
to come from so far? to meet this old man
who has colored your life with his absence
from everything you have become-
I would have guided you wrong,
I just would sing you a song:
Do do do doo.....
We stumbled around for something to say
the years they did weigh on us both
can you ever repair a connection if it never was?
And so we talked about him.
The killer who walked, the walls that won't talk,
the gloves that won't fit when you know that they should
and the lies that will fester forever unhappily
So I got up to leave.
Finished my tea, you finished your wine,
just drank it all down and we looked at each other
and hugged and I wondered if you heard the song
in my head? So I sang aloud:
Do do do do doo....
@nancycunning Mar 2022
I like this song a lot. It feels like it captures this distance between what we hope for and what we get. Maybe mundane is a pretty good outcome all things considered, but, but, but....A good friend is going through some of this stuff right now. What a neat idea for a self-skirmish. Good writing and good writing. And nice to make use of some of those head contents from time to time.
@apolez3 Mar 2022
Nice take on a hard subject matter with all those thoughts she had in her head... wondering if you knew this girl or is it imagined though similar stuff must takes place though seems "real" Seems like the "Dad" got the notes the girl thought in her head and passed them to her father and you take that role singing it from his perspective on her perspective of that day of the meeting in the mall full grown girl and old man... #tit4tat
@guatecoop Feb 2022
Your stories that accompany the songs are really thought-provoking and give a ton of context....very helpful and beneficial. I can't believe that you have challenged yourself to this, but I appreciate it. This song is sparse but really needed to be that way somehow....the story is so personal. Your melody is really melancholy and fits it perfectly, but has some nice twists, too. Very well done!
@mardeycranbleson Feb 2022
I enjoy your melodys they are a fresh take over the usual. Nice performance and recording.
@thedutchwidows Feb 2022
There is something utterly entrancing about this. The vocal has a beautiful fragility to it, and I love the way you run the lines through that shouldn't work, but it just does and does so brilliantly. I love the lack of certainty in the story too, the wanting the big questions answered, hoping for a cathartic release, but just having a fairly mundane conversation. The whole things is so well done, I'm in awe.
However, 'gave myself a self-skirmish' just sounds all kinds of wrong. Not sure you should be admitting that stuff in a semi-public forum.
@nahlej381 Feb 2022
The story was captivating the song was wonderful as usual. Maybe it’s the drugs but my heart broke a little bit. At least they had wine in that shit mall I suppose.
@sync Feb 2022
Oops. Guess I shoulda finished reading all the story before commenting. :-/ Got too excited. :D
@sync Feb 2022
Holy shit this is so good! It's so good I can't tell if it really happened exactly like this or you are an incredibly talented writer. Or both. Guess it doesn't matter cuz wow. Just crazy enjoyable to perceive such good writing. Sometimes before I release something into the world, I feel so lucky that it came to me and I'm the only person who has yet to perceived it. This is like that but now it's two people. Thank you for sharing.