Ok, fine. I have been thoroughly uninspired for serious or thoughtful songs, so here's some delightful trash. This was for the challenge about writing a songified movie review about a movie I love to hate.
1981 + King Arthur grandiosity + actors with their heads up their arse = Excalibur. Why does anyone like this movie? I don't get it. I legit watched the whole thing with my King Arthur medieval lit course in undergrad, entirely to demonstrate what is NOT a good depiction of the mythos. There was much rejoicing. O_o
Oh, they say it’s a yarn for the ages,
And a epic to rival the best tales of old,
For King Arthur’s Round Table is timeless,
And Morgana and Merlin weave spells to behold,
Yes, it’s full of great casting selections,
And it kept all the scenes of importance intact,
It is fresh, yet stays faithful to sources…
Why were you still expecting the actors could act?
We start out with a promising story,
It begins with the bait-and-switch set up to fail,
But when Uther Pendragon is horny,
He’ll commence without taking off any plate mail,
When young Arthur misplaces Kay’s weapon,
He’ll retreive a new sword from the stone for his knight,
And reply to Kay, “your sword was stolen,
But here is Excalibur!” That’s just not right.
All hail the king
Of conceit and ridiculous schemes,
This film will be one you’ll remember,
Though you’ll wish that it were “just a dream.”
It has dialogue dripping with grandeur,
A Shakespearean Merlin without the bard’s knack
For avoiding cliché and pretension
And a sense for the point when you dial it back.
His cape only reminds me of Batman,
I cannot see much else, and if I had my druthers,
I’d scrap the whole pompous exclaiming
He is a “dream to some” and “a nightmare to others!”
All hail the king
Of conceit and ridiculous schemes,
This film will be one you’ll remember,
Though you’ll wish that it were “just a dream.”
The fight scenes are clunky,
The knights aren’t spunky,
At several points I laughed out loud,
The critics were split
On what to make of it,
I’d say it has no right to be proud,
It got too close to winning an Oscar,
Despite layers of dubious plot,
After all, who wears all-golden armor,
Even someone like Mordred would quickly get shot.
All hail the king
Of conceit and most quotable lines,
We take joy in its 80s-cheese splendor,
But I won’t watch it more than one time.
All hail the king
Of conceit and ridiculous schemes,
This film will be one you’ll remember,
Though you’ll wish that it were “just a dream.”
@sheilerk Mar 2022
I think you could use this as a resumé for a job as a reviewer. If this didn’t do it I don’t know what would. This is truly splendid! So nicely written, clever lines and all appropriately tongue in cheek, with just the right amount of snark. I’m sure I enjoyed it more than I would have the movie!
@crisp1 Feb 2022
I barely remember the movie -- if I recall, it was shot with something like Vaseline over the camera lens so everything was rainbow-y and shimmery. I just love the idea of taking a movie review and turning it into lyrics. Not sure I could pull this off and if I could, it wouldn't have nearly the wit and panache you call up here.
@mhorning Feb 2022
The best Authurian inspired movie is George Romero's Knightriders, and nobody can convince me otherwise.
@nadine Feb 2022
I don't like this movie. Your approach on lyrics is so much better than Mystery Science Theayer 3000. Interesting turn to put ciritism into a song.
Could you please write a song like this for Eragon?! Like CGI plush dragons?!
@ericdistad Feb 2022
Holy lol! This is exactly right. (I own this movie because it was the first Arthurian movie I ever saw, so I have a bit of a soft spot - but yeah... it deserves this ridicule!)
"All hail the king
Of conceit and most quotable lines,: - YES!!
Excellent work!
@jtsteam Feb 2022
I haven't seen this film, but reading these lyrics somehow I now want to, if only so I can heckle it. Or maybe enjoy a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 riff of it. I like this review in song!