Feb 2022 ukelele fuc electric-ukelele indie indie-rock neurodiverse capochallenge singer-songwriter
I literally rolled a D4 to figure out where I wanted to capo this - capo 2 - and then shook down some of my old image book entries for something to work into lyrics. I'm pretty pleased with the results.
A lot of late-diagnosed autistic people learn how to mask, or how to present themselves as neurotypical, in order to more easily fit in. In my case, this was something I did deliberately, and practiced until it became reflexive, even compulsory.
However, this is something that burns up a lot of energy and resources, and is ultimately detrimental. At times, it would feel like the mask was moving me like a puppet, as if I had no control. One of the hardest, most rewarding things I've ever done is learn how to unmask and just be my most authentic autistic self.
I am not who I imagined myself to be.
When I was young,
I forged a mask -
Wore it so consistently.
Parts of it merged
Deep into my skin -
With patient resignation,
My dermis embraced it.
That mask is not my face -
That mask’s not who I am.
I have incorporated
bits into myself -
Steel to bone,
Mesh to capillary -
I am not who I imagined
Myself to be.
Now I have grown older,
I feel its weight -
Where it cuts into my cheekbones
And abrades my lips.
I’d like to face the world
As I am -
Pry off the heavy mask,
Shaped by adolescent hands.
That mask is not my face -
That mask’s not who I am.
I have incorporated
Bits into myself -
Steel to bone,
Mesh to capillary -
I am not who I imagined
Myself to be.
Removing it is painful -
My visage seems so strange -
Built of old cuts, odd calluses,
Open wounds and new rips.
But I am ready now.
It’s time to let me bleed.
Let the lacerations meet open air,
The wind burn with each brush.
If I’m raw for awhile,
I can bear it.
I know that given time and breath,
My face will heal into,
Something far better,
Something natural,
Something new.
That mask was not my face -
That mask’s not who I am.
I have incorporated
bits into myself -
Steel to bone,
Mesh to capillary -
I am not who I imagined
Myself to be.
I will meet my eyes again in mirrors,
In the flinch of strangers’ stares,
In the reflections of my lovers’ gazes -
Familiarity will settle in.
I will greet my unmasked face
As my dearest, closest friend.
With a fingertip,
I trace healed-over scars,
Gently map faded abrasions.
That touch sings deeply through my skin.
I am not who I imagined myself to be,
Turns out that’s more than alright with me.
@dzdandcunfsd Feb 2022
Great take on as Catherine said a very rel topic. I've got a pretty good handle on my extremes of bipolarisms anymore, with self-medication/music/etc, and as you so eloquently point out just masking it... but it was sooo exhausting for a while, and still can be at times. I was probably into my 30's at least before I finally realized I could just not give two shits and just be myself. Its driven some people away, but I'm better for it.
That uke sounds amazing!
@wacha Feb 2022
This is a solid song addressing a very real topic. The song is heartfelt and that chorus is really catchy, nice work!