Somewhere in the forums I saw a challenge for a traditional ballad. I suppose this might qualify.
(Update. Removed annoying percussion)
Grieving
Jeff Walker - FAWM 2022 #2
Married a lover who captured my heart
Her skin was fair as the moon
Her hair was as black as a raven’s wing
But she was taken too soon
I couldn’t imagine her leaving
But now she’s gone
And I’m grieving
I took a job on a Japanese ship
Pacific whaling in winter
Many mates lost in a terrible storm
The vessel she nearly went under
Nightmares of that fo’c’s’le deck heaving
But they’re all gone
And I’m grieving
BR
When will this curse ever end
When will my luck ever turn
Death’s taken all of my friends
And my wife
Maybe I’ve misunderstood
I’m really the fortunate one
The gift that’s supposedly good
Is my life
Now I’ve chosen the Carmelite vows
To live with a mendicant’s ways
Nothing to love and nothing to lose
For all the rest of my days
But I’ve lost my soul and my heart
And I’m grieving
I’m lost
I’m still grieving
@gm7 Mar 2022
Very very poignant lyrics with such great imagery. The emotional singing is captivating..just a great job. Well done.
t4t
@elainedimasi Feb 2022
Oh this is so solid. So glad I came to hear it. Such a good job of delivering the emotion.
++ to everything Mike Debenham said. I didn't hear the version that had a percussion layer but what you have here is just sounding perfect to me.
@arthurrossi Feb 2022
I am deeply impressed by the depth and quality of your lyrics here... In the context of the rest of the lyrics the lines "Maybe I’ve misunderstood / I’m really the fortunate one / The gift that’s supposedly good / Is my life" are unbelievably powerful! I like how the main topic is consistently present in all parts of the song. The music is absolutely suiting and completes a wonderfully sad song... Excellent work!
@mikedebenham Feb 2022
Great delivery. Economical storytelling. I like the spare arrangement too - lots of lonely space for the grief to ride through. Timeless stuff.
@andrea Feb 2022
This is so amazingly sad, and I love everything about it. The lyrics captured me, and your voice held me in each moment. The last verse is the killer. Bravo!
@greengrassgirl Feb 2022
Heartbreakingly lovely. Nice job, Jeff.
@tukayandryan Feb 2022
So sad but beautiful too. Lovely imagery.
@timfatchen Feb 2022
Definitely in ballad mode. One listens and reaches for the bottle to wash over the sorrow and misery. Extremely well done! (I didn't hear it with the percussion, sounds complete and fine to me without it anyway)
@oswlek Feb 2022
Wrist slitter for sure! This could really use some CJCs!
I'm only partly joking. The traditional approach definitely works, but I can't help but think what might be with more diverse chord textures. Or maybe the same chords but with other instruments adding extensions to the arrangement. It might even be worth playing it faster and having some contrast between the music and the desperately somber lyrics.
Or not, I haven't won any song-of-the-year contests, so what do I know? :-D
@edward9thstreet Feb 2022
Fascinating, really. Intricate words, presented without pretense.
@mikeb Feb 2022
A sad ballad indeed, Jeff! With just a refrain line on each verse with the title/hook, it works well.
@pfaffbrill Feb 2022
Right in the feels! Love the vibe.
@kenmattsson Feb 2022
Love the vibe on this. Mournful and yet resigned. Great delivery
@tseaver Feb 2022
Well crafted ballad, with a great delivery. Nice write!
@donna Feb 2022
Oh my...What a fine and well-crafted ballad, Jeff. I especially love that last verse, with 'nothing to love and nothing to lose'. That's a heart wrencher of an image.
Oh my gosh, I was so taken by the lyric, I actually failed to see there was a music track! LOL Lovely melody, and nice change in the bridge.
I agree about the drums, though. LOL
I think the V1-2 sequence is fine, but can also imagine V2 as the beginning. Maybe something he'd have been busy with before meeting, marrying, and losing his lover.